FOPO No More: Tips to Overcome Fear of Others' Opinions
Have you ever felt like you couldn't express your thoughts or make important decisions because you were worried about what other people might think? I've definitely felt that way before! More than I’d like to admit!
Recently, my husband and I made a big decision to change our plans.
For 8 years, we had dreamed of sailing down the East Coast on our 42-foot sailboat and taking a year off work to do so. We started our journey in mid-September, but after just 3 months, we realized that it wasn't the right plan for us.
We were aware that we needed to quit, but we were worried about the opinions of others. Would they believe that we had failed and would we be letting down those who followed our adventures? What would their thoughts be about us? Would they judge us? This fear kept us stuck and anxious!
Perhaps you feel the same about your career. You went to school for it, talked about it, and planned for it, and you're now "living the dream." Except, it's not what you envisioned it would be. You secretly yearn to give up and try something else, but you're concerned about what others will think.
Why do we care so much about what other people think? It's ridiculous because the people who are often the most critical of our lives are the ones who have never attempted anything outside of the norm. They are the ones who speak about their dreams but never pursue them. Realistically, we should not be concerned, but we are. Why is that?
Michael Gervais is a psychologist who specializes in the connection between the mind and human performance. He is also the author of the book “The First Rule of Mastery: Stop Worrying About What People Think of You.” According to Gervais, some people's opinions matter, and they can have a significant impact on one's life. However, a fear of people's opinions, known as FOPO, can restrict one's potential and prevent them from pursuing what they feel called to do. In his book, Gervais refers to FOPO as a "hidden epidemic" that may be the most significant obstacle to achieving human potential. He explains that our concern about what others think of us has become an irrational and unhealthy obsession in the modern world. This obsession can hinder decision-making, decrease risk-taking, creativity, innovation, and collaboration. When we try to please others and be who we think they want us to be, rather than being true to ourselves, we live our lives on their terms, not ours.
“If you start paying less and less attention to what makes you you — your talents, beliefs, and values — and start conforming to what others may or may not think, you’ll harm your potential. You’ll start playing it safe because you’re afraid of what will happen on the other side of the critique. You’ll fear being ridiculed or rejected. When challenged, you’ll surrender your viewpoint. You won’t raise your hand when you can’t control the outcome. You won’t go for that promotion because you won’t think you’re qualified.” Micheal Gervais
So what can we do about FOPO? Gervais suggests taking steps to "dampen the intensity of your stress responses" if you find yourself experiencing FOPO. You can guide yourself towards confidence-building statements such as "I am a good public speaker", "I've put in the work so that I can trust my abilities", "I have a lot of great things to say", and "I'm completely prepared for this promotion". These statements will help you focus on your skills and abilities instead of others' opinions. I would recommend creating these statements based on your unique CliftonStrengths 34 report to make them more effective!
Additionally, he says just taking deep breaths can help signal to your brain that you're not in immediate danger.
To truly conquer FOPO, Gervais recommends cultivating self-awareness. Developing a personal philosophy, which can be a word or phrase that expresses your basic beliefs and values, can help you gain a deeper sense of who you are. By being your best while being less fearful of people's opinions, you can achieve your goals and live your life to the fullest.
In a recent article Gervais wrote for the Harvard Business Review, How to stop worrying about what other people think of you, he outlined the steps to creating your personal philosophy.
Creating a personal philosophy statement is definitely a good step in that direction. And once again, I’d add checking your Strengths Report to ensure that your personal philosophy aligns with your top 5 talent themes. Your talents can be a great source of confidence, and focusing on them can help you tune out the opinions of others.
My friend, I just wanted to remind you of something important. No matter what you do in life, it's perfectly okay to change course and let go of something that's not working for you. Sometimes we hold onto things because we're afraid of what others might think, but that's not a good enough reason to keep doing something that's not making us happy. Remember, trying something and realizing it's not for you is not a big deal. It's the only way to figure out what you like and don't like. Plus, think of all the memories, experiences, and friends you've gained from trying new things. You come away with all these and the skills you've acquired, which are things no one can ever take away from you.
So, is there something you've been holding onto because you're afraid of others' opinions? It may be time to let go and try something new that will make you truly happy.
Listen the full episode here:
PS… if one of the fears you have to conquer includes deciding if it’s time to make a major career change. Or perhaps you know it’s time, but you aren’t sure how to create a plan to change careers in 2023. The “10 Signs It’s Time to Quit Your Job” Quiz was created for dynamic, amazing women like you! In less than 5 minutes, you can gain clarity on whether you should stay or should you go…
